january 31st, 2022
whew! what a few weeks it has been.

i finished my midterm exams! it feels as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, but, now i don’t currently have much to do. which is okay, because i start working tomorrow. not too fun. but, i am excited nonetheless because my friend asked me if i’ll be there which days, meaning that i’ll actually start to matter.

collegeboard still rejected my act accommodations but has sent permission for my sat and future AP exams. weird, huh? i don’t know why collegeboard is like this, and my grievances are not over, but i’ll take what i’m given.

i’m still cycling. i can do 5 miles very easily now–so i’m upping the resistance. every day is leg day

if i’m fully transparent, my mental health has not been very good. i’ve been going through a pretty intensive psychotic episode for the past two weeks and it isn’t very pleasant, especially with moments of lucidity like this one. this is partially why i haven’t updated in those two weeks, because i’ve been so exhausted, but i’m working with my therapist and with myself to cope and eventually break free of said episode. i haven’t abandoned this site yet! while it may be less actively worked on for the foreseeable future, i want to keep it up and running for a very long time.

thanks for your patience.

january 14th, 2022
Recently, I have been cycling to try and help my knees. Yesterday, I biked 5 miles! Which is pretty good for someone as unathletic as me. I also took Neproxin beforehand for cramping, which helped the pain subside and let me go longer. It was interesting.

I’ve been wearing a fuller face of makeup lately, just for myself. It is mostly in practice, what once took me half an hour now takes about 10 minutes, which is good, but sometimes I am admittedly self-conscious about wearing this much makeup to school.

My youtube watch history is entirely Tetris replays and antique restorations. I’ve consumed a lot of generic, fandom-less content these past few weeks as I slip into a hyperfixation-less routine. That said, I am also watching the new season of Euphoria–But I’m not in fandom. So it doesn’t particularly count. I’m not a big fan of fandom lately, it might just be that I’m busier with school.

Collegeboard rejected my accommodation application for the ACT. I’m hoping to not start a big fight with Collegeboard while I’m trying to get into college myself. but, it’s a tad annoying to deal with. some things are more important than others: I don’t particularly need extended time, but writing an essay by hand is very physically painful for me; but I was rejected all-around.

Midterms are in a week! I’m scared.
Tonight I am going to spend a few hours building the foundation for the high school show’s set with a few friends. Very excited.

january 11th, 2022
changing my screenname over to jackson, because i believe its time for a refresh. my name changes often

every time i go to therapy my mind and body reacts unnervingly leaving my monday evenings basically useless in place of having to suppress false mania post-trauma revival.

my foot still hurts. but i want to wear the shoes that make my foot hurt. so i don’t even care.

i tried to do my hair this morning but it decided it did not want to cooperate which is frustrating, but my makeup looks good today. my skirt is unironed and it bothers me.

january 10th, 2022
Codex on TikTok brings up a good point, where intelligence is measured solely by cruel actions by humankind. See here:

Dolphins are very intelligent animals, communicating to each other with sounds like humans do. Despite this intelligence, they are not committed to the evil that humans are, purely using their intelligence for survival rather than societal needs. So we call them less intelligent than humans.

In the Christian Bible, the Garden of Eve represents the original sin–that knowledge and intelligence in of themselves is evil. This metaphor has spread so wide and so thin that we as a community can only detect intelligence through sin itself. However, in other Abrahamic religions, this original sin is not believed in and truly the inherent guilt of being born is solely a Christian idea.

Despite science’s wants to dissect itself from religion, its measurements are still inherently Christian and will likely never change. I’ve been thinking of buying The Great Partnership by Johnathan Sacks, though I always have worry for the bias and propaganda embedded in those kinds of books. It has a good ranking on Goodreads. I don’t know.

january 8th, 2022
It’s Saturday! I’m very happy about the weekend. Truly it will fly by fast, however, I am glad to have a little touch of a break before school really gets rolling.

I’ve decided I want to take a language model and feed it entirely Jung and Freud essays, and see what comes out. Isabel Myers’ Gifts Differing is an interpretation of predominantly Jung but secondarily Freud’s psychological theory, so, this kind of generated psychoanalysis has already been created by hand. However, I think it would be cool if a robot could write a new academic paper on its own. And, you know, maybe it’ll do my college homework for me.

My foot is mostly healed, if you care. It’s still frustrating to walk on however I wouldn’t document it as painful. Today my household is dogsitting–there are two dogs more to my house than usual, and it’s nice to have active dogs again. My dog has had brain cancer for the past few years, so he’s not really there, and I do miss when he was active and jumpy and all-around a happy dog. I’m assured he’s still happy, honestly, my dad takes care of him so I have no real idea, but he still walks with a pep in his step and the same dumbassery he has always had.

When I tell people about the condition of my dog, I start laughing. I don’t know why, and it’s embarrassing and cruel, but I feel my brain has lost a link with grief that it used to have, and now I cannot process it properly anymore. I don’t know! It’s a tad uncomfortable.

My life has been pretty boring these last two days. I managed to sleep for hours yesterday, from noon to 6 pm, despite the fact I didn’t feel tired at all. These days, I let my body do what it wants, honestly. And sometimes it holds a few surprises! (Never good ones.)

The first tech night for my next production is this Friday. I plan on attending. It should be fun! And I really hope a lot of components can be included this time, where the last show we did was down to its bare essentials and not very pretty. While I cannot carry all the weight, I will try my hardest and hope that my friends do the same. I’m sure they will–I’m close with the stage manager, and she’s working very hard despite most of her work supposedly being handled by the director. I’ve heard a lot of negative things about the director, but a job is a job, and we must listen to the boss.

january 6th, 2022
Two days ago, I slipped on the ice and fell, practically breaking my foot. Now, it is walkable, but still a pain in my ass. Funnily enough, the way I walk on an injured foot is very flat compared to my normal stride–so my knee is hurting too. I’m not having the greatest time.

In American Literature I am being forced against my will to read Edgar Allen Poe, but watching my literature teacher scramble to explain psychological theories is very funny. No one talks about how Freud wanted to fuck his mom–most big psychoanalysis professors aren’t really that right in the head. Anyway,

Ego death is something I’m very familiar with. In the first days of 2020, my previous ego had up and killed itself right in front of my eyes. The grieving process was close to that of a loved one, but, under the stress, I had rebuilt myself from genuine nothingness. This also coincided with the beginning of my femininity, where I would soon become extremely femme in contrast to my masculine presentation mere months before. But I wish he could see me now: mildly slutty, very much in pain, but with an ego that could combat god himself.

Friends have told me that it’s a histrionic personality disorder, to have self-awareness like this. I’ve never thought of it that way. Many people have given me an array of armchair diagnoses–schizoid, borderline, histrionic, autism, bipolar–but it doesn’t really matter, does it? And at the offense of the medical community and those who prioritize doctors’ notes over anything else on the internet; regardless of whatever goes on my medical record I won’t suddenly change, my problems won’t suddenly become legitimate, it only provides legality.

(Just yesterday I pushed my ACT accommodations request. That is an example of legality, and it requires a diagnosis. However, my personality does not.)

I’m hoping for it to snow again tonight. Not having school tomorrow would be great for my foot, giving it time to recover.

january 5th, 2022
I am excited to say that I have launched my first website. While I've had a passion for HTML since 2018, I had never felt that it was complete until i published this page. Obviously, this website is still very vacant, but the publishication in of itself is something I am proud of.

I showed my github hosting to my mother, and she was impressed. So, I have decided to continue this project. In the october tab there is previous thing I have written as a way to sample this diary, you may read if you'd like.

Thank you for your visit here, really. I appreaciate it more than explainable, person on the internet.

toujours à toi