february 25th, 2022
currently as im writing this im sitting in a single stall bathroom because i got sensory overload from my physics class and i don’t know how much longer i can take this.

my job is doing...okay. i broke down once yesterday and i might do it again today. i’m really not doing well sensory wise and one day i’ll have a full meltdown because of it. agh.

i’m stressed and i’m mad at my teachers for dropping my grades on the last day of the marking period while i feel like this. i don’t know. i really want to cry but i’m holding it together

the bell is about to ring so i have to stop hiding but ugh. it just all sucks. i need a “don’t talk to me” mandate, like a sticky note on the side of my head that says shhh1!!! don’t even try!!! it’s whatever though. i’ll live through it. i mean, i have to.

february 15th, 2022
i’m okay

my depression gives a sense of malaise but…i’ll get through it.
i’m too old to take breaks whenever i feel ill, if i did, nothing would ever get done. which is the curse of chronic illness, i s’pose.

i’m working but ah………..i am not processing any of it. i’m very cold. i am so fucking cold and it’s messing up my joints.

i don’t mean to be a downer, but i’m feeling more and more sick as the days crawl on.

once it reaches rock bottom there’s no way to go but up.

february 10th, 2022
oh diary, i am not doing well.

the worst part is is that i am not doing anything to be doing poorly, it just all happened at once. My RA is flaring up again in a dance with a post-manic depressive episode. Because i am working for so long i have less time to eat, which makes me eat less, which is making me extremely dizzy during the day. it’s hard to do anything right now, which is very frustrating.

when my health declines i feel worthless. worthlessness is something that comes with depression, but its a very physical guilt–where i cannot do the work others have to do because of my condition. i don’t want to have to be taken care of, but here i am. chronically ill, for the rest of my life.

typing with a wrist brace on is difficult and painful. i can barely do anything. i’m so angry with myself.

my period is officially 4 days late, after coming exactly on time for the past year. i wonder if stress is messing with it, or if the health app’s predictions are simply just wrong. it’s holding me over the edge anyway, a period with no blood, my mental state could reason with that. during my period, my depression or mania (depending) tends to worsen tenfold due to the hormonal imbalance. i have very bad cramps. i’ve been getting phantom cramps that coincide with the first day of my period but not blood.

i may not be eating enough to even have a period.

i want to eat more. i don’t have an eating disorder, but, a lot of times i physically can’t. my adhd medication gives me anxiety which makes me hurl up any kind of lunch i eat if i’m not careful. but i want to eat, i want to function, i want to be healthy.

raggggghhhhh. it’s unfair. it really is.

i cannot write any more, so i’ll see you next time

february 7th, 2022
honestly i have nothing to tell you nor my therapist. i have therapy every week, yet, i have no idea what i’m going to talk about. my life has been pretty boring.

general thoughts go like this:

in my period, i wonder why religion calls for woman to repurify after a monthly cycle. is having female anatomy not meant to be pure in its birth? i believe god is worth all that is good in the world but i question his meanings in this culture build against periods. women bleed, women hurt, women sacrifice to continue a good life and survival yet, are punished nonetheless?

and women are not even intended to have sex until marriage, so periods are endless. there is no true cleanse of sin. women are doomed to be impure under the most orthodox of religious rule.

i’m very interested in the internet again lately. with a big controversy spiking the hits in kiwifarms, it makes me wonder once again the foundation of propaganda for the sake of laughter. the true answer is not to care.

i used after effects the other day! i’m revisiting my old creative habits. it makes me smile. hopefully, in time, i will have enough energy to continue finishing up this website as well. only in due time, for now, i want to keep up these diary entries as a reminder of this sites’ existence. i won’t let it die.

this month is not better. this month is not worse. everything is simply a constant.

february 1st, 2022
i aced my physics midterm! i've never actually passed a physics exam before. i'm really happy about this and therefore have to tell everyone.

here's to a new, better month!

toujours à toi
jackson